Birthday Letter

Dearest Jesus,
Happy Birthday! I'm nine minutes early, I know, but by the time I'm done, it will be December 25th!
I want to tell you first how happy I am that I got to see you tonight. This evening's mass was so beautiful that I could barely contain myself. I saw you in everything-- in Fr. Etheredge's homily, in the baby's cry, in the children's pageant, in EVERYTHING! Thanks for meeting with me... I love being with you, and I wish so much that we could be together for real and I could have a one-on-one conversation with you.
I feel rude here, and quite selfish, but I want to ask you for some things. I realize it's your birthday, but everything I have comes from you, so unless you give it to me, I have nothing to give back. I hope this makes sense :-).
I feel like every year I ask you for the same thing, but I don't get it. I think I'm asking for it incorrectly. I always ask for you to help me to lose weight, but I don't know how to ask. Please give me insight on how to ask you, and figure out what to ask you for.
I love you, and have a Happy Birthday! I'll talk to you tomorrow-- you are the love of my life!!!!

C.D.

Starting Over (written dec 20)

Ok, so here’s my first shot at writing for one half hour. Let’s see if I can make it. I spent the night at Em’s last night, and while the bed was comfortable, I still had trouble sleeping.

It’s odd… I’m done with school- I finished my last final (philosophy) yesterday- and yet I still feel stressed. Last night I had a dream that some instructors that I really admire (Linda and Scott) were insulting me. And, while I don’t remember this part, I’m pretty sure Joel was in the dream too. Joel is always in my dreams. I know this because I wake up every morning with a new feeling about him.

What’s upsetting me the most, though? That I lost control of my weight since I came back to school. I don’t know what my mind has to say to convince my body that I really need to do this, but it has to happen soon. A good start would be to be able to get on block next year.

Wow, that was quite an embarrassing moment yesterday. It’s not like I know Jake very well, it’s just that he did make an impression on me because I have thought of him outside of church. I am really not that comfortable with people knowing that I am on weight watchers. I thought that the panel was just going to be a person from Chartwell’s and the person that could get me off the plan… I didn’t realize Jake would be there! Ruth was also being quite rude- I felt like she was accusing me of not having control of my own body. Ok, so she’s right. I do have to work on portion control—but for now, I need to be anal Michelle and restrict myself until I can’t handle it anymore. That was the only reason it worked this summer. That, and the fact that I was working out like crazy… which is another something that I have to work on over break. Little to do list for the moment:

· Find Erin, Mom, Dad a present

· Put money in checking for MK’s check

· CANCEL WINDSOR AND FRESH 15

· Send thank-you to Mr. and Mrs. Jackson

· Meal ideas + shopping lists for J-term

· Finances for J-term

· Exercise plan for J-term

I’m going to be honest with you… since you practically means me, and I, at this time, already know this stuff. I miss Joel. There, I said it. I miss him. I don’t want to—he’s an ass who has hurt me too many times (three times, actually, which is all I was going to give him in the first place)—but I can’t seem to forget him. I don’t want to forget him, though. What I want is for him to like me—for him to realize what he lost and come back, just like Mr. Big or the narrator of my new favorite song, “Warning Sign”. I just sit here, like I am right now, and stare at his picture. I actually do forget what he looks like, so I have to, but it’s sick. Disgustingly sick! Why the hell do I spend so much time just looking at his picture? I’m so incredibly pathetic!

I knew that he and I shouldn’t have gotten involved—I was against the whole thing from the start! Well, that’s not entirely true since I’ve “been in love” (or whatever term is best to use for this situation) with him for months now. I saw what it was going to do to our friendship, though. He’s the kind of guy that freaks out about intimacy and commitment—he has before, like he did about a month before we started dating—and I knew that it was going to happen again.

I wonder why he doesn’t talk to me now, though. Is it because he is too busy for me? Is it because he doesn’t want to talk to me? Have I driven him away? Is it because I yelled at him last time I saw him? No, that last one can’t be it, since I “talked” to him in CC the other day.

And I don’t like Liz. I didn’t like her from the start—well mostly since the moment my man started to like her. I didn’t want him to date her—I wanted him for myself. That sounds so selfish, I know, but I could totally see Joel and I working out. I want his arms to be the arms that are around me when I cry. And he was freaking obsessed with her for so long, and now she’s a close friend of his. He talks to her about religion (which is CRAZY since she has NO idea what she’s talking about) and asks her for guidance. If he would do that to me, I have no doubt in my mind that he would fall for me. And I’m almost positive that she had something to do with this whole “dumpage” thing. Liz and Joel’s parents. I’m sure his lack of balls also had something to do with it—but the Catholic thing really came into play when they got involved. I think Joel and I could have worked past it.

Well, alarm is going off, so I must go off as well. It was nice talking to you!

Time to go home!

Clare Dalnore